Epic (Fierce) Read online

  Dixie was sympathetic to her condition, and would easily switch from Maya, on videotape, to Diego or me, onstage, if she became too winded to speak. Dixie was also vehement about keeping the topic of conversation centered on my quest for my family. I had already been schooled by Iris and Gwen on how to answer these questions in truthful and diplomatic ways, even if any subject danced too close to the scandal PING refused to drop, even a month later.

  They had to. Shelby was still hospitalized for a “mental collapse” that Coy, Inc. wanted to pin directly on me. He and Eddie traveled from coast to coast to feed the flames of my scandal, because it kept the questions about Shelby’s health – and her future – at bay.

  It didn’t help that he could pick up more supporters from the coveted One Percent, who bought into his ultra-conservative campaign promises. “Sexual perversion will be the undoing of our country,” he prophesized to any audience that would pay to hear him speak. Unfortunately for everyone, this included every other ultra-conservative (and some fringe) candidate who wanted to ride their conservative wave into Washington.

  He marketed his message heavily to evangelical conservatives, pulling Biblical verses out of his ass with little to no provocation. My favorite episode of Coy hypocrisy? When he appeared at a church service with his gun on his hip.

  I hadn’t read the Bible in a long time, but I certainly didn’t recall any of the disciples packing heat.

  Sadly it was a message that resonated, which meant I was able to watch his political star rise at the same rate my celebrity star plummeted. On my weaker days it would drive me to distraction. Jace would rub my shoulders and remind me that the Universe was just. Eventually Coy Goddard would have to face his own karma. All I had to do was get out of Destiny’s way. “Live well,” he said as he would hold me at night. “That’s the only revenge that matters.”

  That was my mantra all the way up until my birthday. I managed a picture-perfect smile as I greeted Dixie when I walked out on stage. As much as I expected the audience to politely receive the object of their disdain, the audience of mostly average- and plus-sized women hopped to their feet to cheer for me as I walked to the plush peach-colored chair next to lush hostess with bright red hair.

  She enveloped me in a big bear hug. “It’s so good to see you again,” she said as I sat.

  “Thank you for having me,” I said with a wide smile. “And thank you again for all your support with Fierce.”

  She waved her hand to dismiss the compliment. “Honey, please. We just gave you the microphone. You were the one that had to sing.”

  The audience laughed along with us. Dixie grew serious as she turned to me. “This has been some kind of journey for you, hasn’t it, Jordi?”

  “You could say that!” I chuckled.

  “So tell us. What prompted you to figure out your ancestry in the middle of a stressful tour and even more stressful divorce?”

  “I had no idea that I was conceived via a surrogate until I went back to Iowa in April. After that, it was like my whole upbringing made sense, how I never felt like I fit in. I knew I had to find my birth mom or else I’d never truly know who I was. That could wreck every relationship and every decision that would follow. I just couldn’t risk that.”

  “And did you find what you were looking for?”

  “I found more,” I answered honestly. “At first, I felt extremely guilty that I had an easier life than my birth mom. She had suffered so much. I mean, you read the news. Her history is no secret. So I wanted to help her have a better life, especially since she’s so sick. But there, beneath the humble surroundings, I found something that I had never really known outside of my relationship with my Fierce family. I found someone who believed in me unconditionally. This has helped me get through everything else.”

  “Let’s talk about that,” Dixie said. We had agreed to tackle the scandal at the onset, just to get it out of the way. “I can only imagine how upsetting it has been for you, having such intimate matters spread through the media.”

  “It hasn’t been fun,” I admitted with as much good humor as I could muster. “But I’m not ashamed of my relationship with Jace. I’m just sad that we live in a world where a personal moment between two people in the privacy of their own home could be taped and distributed without our consent.”

  “So you didn’t know that you were being taped at the time?”

  I shook my head. “And I certainly never would have agreed to it being distributed for the masses. Jace and I are in the public eye, but certain aspects of our lives are not public domain.”

  Dixie rested her chin on her hand. “How has it changed things for you?”

  “Obviously I lost some endorsements and some jobs, but I’ve also been presented with opportunities behind the scenes I might not have pursued before.”

  “You’re talking about your producing gig for the new girl band, Unapologetic B!tches,” she segued easily, and just like that we were on a brand new topic.

  Kamaria joined us on stage before the band performed, and then Diego joined us for the closing segment where he was featured for a guitar solo that brought the audience to their feet.

  I was proud of how he handled himself for the interview, where he played his shyness to his advantage. When Dixie asked him if he and I would be collaborating in the future, he turned to me with a look of sincerity that touched me. “I hope so.”

  I reached for his hand and we shared a smile together.

  It was a long time coming, but I finally had a family. Now, thanks to Dixie, the whole world could see how truly blessed I had been.

  After the last horrible month, I actually looked forward to my birthday celebration. This was despite the fact Coy and Eddie were scheduled to appear at an Orange County fundraiser for one of their colleagues, notably one who vocally and successfully supported Proposition 8, which legally prevented California gays from marrying. I had a sneaking suspicion they were going to level another boom in my direction as a sexual deviant at the root of America’s destruction.

  I had no idea what was about to happen. Looking back I can safely say no one did.

  Suffice it to say, I was about to get the present of a lifetime.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Los Angeles, CA

  August 22, 2012

  The entire week leading up to my performance on Fierce was a huge, happy homecoming from the moment I stepped back on that stage. Everything felt familiar, from the surroundings to the crew. It was like going to visit a favorite teacher long after one graduated high school. Imogene Costas wore her patented scary scowl as I stepped up to rehearse in front of her for the first time in nearly a year, but even that couldn’t rain all over my mood. I grinned as I walked over to hug her hello, which she indulged for a moment before she growled playfully that we didn’t have time for any “mushy” displays of emotion.

  Giovanni Carnevale, however, did not agree. Vanni raced from his private office across the studio lot the minute he heard I arrived, solely to give me a monstrous hug as he spun me around effortlessly. “Welcome home, baby girl!” he exclaimed.

  I giggled as he placed me gently back on my feet. Despite the hectic schedule, and an equally hectic home life with a toddler and another on the way, Vanni looked as breathtaking as ever as his dark hair fell down past his shoulders in a wild, curly curtain. “Speaking of baby, how’s Andy doing?”

  He grinned like the proud papa he was. “We hit the 20-week mark on Monday, so she’s finally out of the ‘all-day-sickness’ part of the pregnancy. She sent me out for jelly donuts and beef jerky at two in the morning.”

  I laughed. “You know you love it.”

  His eyes sparkled. “Small price to pay to bring a healthy soldier into the fold, especially one that is going to balance the distribution of estrogen in the Carnevale household.”

  My eyes opened wide. “It’s a boy?”

  He held a finger to his lips. “Don’t tell anyone.”

  “Are you kidding? I have PIN
G on speed dial,” I teased and he responded with tickle fingers until I nearly peed my pants. “Stop, stop! I’m sorry!”

  He gave me a playful nudge. “I guess I better quit before someone whips out their camera phone.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Come on. I have someone I want you to meet.” I hooked my arm with his and walked him over to Kamaria and the girls. Even though they were seasoned Unapologetic B!tches, every single one of them, even Lilith, the lesbian drummer with a hot pink crew cut, melted under his undeniable sex appeal.

  “I’ve heard a lot about you,” he said as he greeted each and every one of them with a hug. “Let’s see what you can do.”

  My B!tches, as they had come to call themselves, nearly blasted the roof right off the studio as they launched into “A-Hole,” a song that could have easily described Vanni’s manwhore days. He laughed along with the outrageous lyrics, not offended in the least.

  “You think you’re slick but you’re old news. You think you’re dynamite, but you got no fuse. You want me to beg but I refuse. Cuz you ain’t nothin’ but an A-hole. Chasing tail like a dog with a bone, one day you’re gonna end up alone. You play with girls, but honey I’m grown. And I know you’re nothin’ but an A-Hole.”

  He applauded loud and long when they were done. “That’s a number one hit if I ever heard one. I love it!” he said. Then he looked down at me. “And I love you.”

  We shared a friendly brotherly kiss before he left us to rehearse.

  I didn’t see him again till the morning of August 22, my birthday, when the entire cast threw me a surprise party prior to our taping of Fierce. Jorge Navarro, who had been working on a movie, flew in specifically to style us all, and he transformed me once again into a Diva. He insisted I wear a corset top that showed a heck of a lot of cleavage I generally never showed, but he grinned as he reminded me, “Like you have something we haven’t seen before.”

  The entire cast had helped me get over a lot of the humiliation I felt, by treating me no different than they had when we worked together the year before. Instead they made a joke about my newfound and unexpected role as a porn star. And the way they enveloped Maya and Diego into the fold touched me in a very profound and unexpected way. Maggie stayed with Maya as she visited the studio, to ensure she had immediate medical attention if she needed it. Graham had charmed Maya endlessly, which made her blush just like a teenager every time he smiled her way.

  Yael had made it down to the studio to catch a rehearsal with Diego, leaving my little brother star-struck as they jammed together for most of the afternoon.

  Everything was falling into place. It honestly scared the crap out of me. One recurring theme throughout the last two years of my life was that every good thing that happened to me came complete with two ugly stepsisters to keep me humbled. I was apprehensive all the way up to show time, even though the mood around me was jovial and festive.

  I didn’t know how… I didn’t know when… but the rug was about to be pulled out under me. I just knew it.

  Jace sat right up front with Maya, Maggie and Graham. Diego was in costume and ready to accompany me on stage. Dominique, looking exotic and elegant in her strapless red gown, sashayed out center stage. “I don’t know if you know this, y’all, but this is a very special day for the Fierce family. In 1992, one of our favorite finalists… and yours!... was born in Oswen, Iowa.” As soon as the audience realized what was happening, people hopped to their feet screaming for me. She could barely get out the rest before their thundering applause segued right into the opening notes of “I’m Not Sorry.”

  Unlike all the songs performed on that stage, “I’m Not Sorry” was my most defiant. I wasn’t trying to win anyone over, that ship had sailed. I didn’t have to beg anyone for approval – I was free to be me. Sure, I wasn’t everyone’s ideal, but for those hundreds of screaming fans on their feet as they sang every note of every song, I was something special.

  I didn’t have the time or patience to chase after the permission to exist, especially from people who were hell-bent to withhold it. I got to decide for myself who I was going to be… whether fierce, unstoppable or epic.

  No apologies were necessary.

  I owned that stage and everyone who watched, sharing the spotlight with my brother who shredded his solo. Girls in the front row screamed for him by name, and he bestowed a shy smile before he threw the song back to me.

  Everyone hopped to their feet as I brought it home. Dominique walked out to join me center stage. “Jordi!” she exclaimed. “You are fierce, girl!” The audience screamed in agreement. “Happy 20th,” she said with a big smile.

  “Thank you!” I answered breathlessly.

  “You were so young when you started your journey here with us. What have you learned about this process that you wish to share with any little girl out there with a big dream?”

  “You have to be yourself,” I answered to the camera. “There are a lot of people who want to stuff you in a little box, but you don’t have to stay anywhere you don’t fit. You have a voice. And it deserves to be heard.”

  “Amen, girl,” Dom said a she motioned Diego over to join us. “And who is this handsome young man?”

  “This is my brother, Diego Palermo,” I said as I put my arm around his shoulders. I pointed to Maya sitting in the audience. “And that’s our mom, Maya.”

  Dom turned to Maya. “You must be so proud of your talented kids!”

  She nodded and waved from where she leaned against Graham to honor our performance with her own determined standing ovation.

  “We’re proud of her,” I told Dom as I smiled at my mom.

  “Did you know when you gave birth to her twenty years ago that she would be the amazing talent she’s become?” Dom asked.

  Vanni ran a microphone over to Maya, who responded with effort. “Of course I knew. She was destined to be amazing. And she’s never disappointed me.”

  I choked up in spite of myself, and Vanni added on by saying, “She’s never disappointed us, either, Mama,” he said before he gave her a big hug.

  Dom turned back to me. “I hear that you brought along some of your friends.”

  I nodded. “I did. And I can’t wait for you to meet them.”

  Dom grinned as she handed off her rhinestone studded microphone. “Go on, girl.”

  I turned back to the camera. “You think we’re fierce? Wait till you meet my Unapologetic B!tches!”

  We trotted off stage as the B!tches exploded onto stage with “A-hole.” By the time the song was over, every single girl in that audience had participated in the call and response portion of the song, which was ready for download the minute Kamaria sang the first note. I checked my phone and my girls were trending.

  We introduced the girls before we had to disappear backstage, so they could get to the business of elimination night. The B!tches and I were in great spirits after the successful debut, so much so that I was flying high by the time Jace found me backstage.

  “You did great!” he said as he hugged me close. “My triumphant Jordi.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, but tomorrow it’ll rain and our house will slide down the hill. Sleep with one eye open.”

  He laughed. “Did anyone ever tell you that you were a pessimist?” he asked before he kissed me long and deep and in full view of everyone.

  Diego shyly interrupted. He had spent way more time with Griffin than Jace, so my lover intimidated my little brother even when he didn’t intend to. But after years of abusive male role models, Diego had no choice but to tread carefully.

  “Hey, Jordi?”

  I broke free. “Yeah?”

  He held up his phone. “I got a message from Griffin.”

  My stomach dropped. Had Angus seen the performance and decided to distance himself from anything and everything to do with me? I had bravely asserted that I’d rather be liked for who I am than pretend to be something else, but I really didn’t want to lose “Pieces of Me.” It was the only variable left in my caree
r, which was otherwise poised to have a major comeback.

  Griffin’s timely phone call had to be the other shoe dropping. Because that’s how my life worked.

  “What did he want?” I asked as I mentally braced myself.

  Diego held up the phone to show me a breaking news headline from a major news channel. I nearly fell right to my knees. Jace caught me as he read along, in shock, behind me.

  POLITICAL SHOCKER IN CALIFORNIA IS A GAMECHANGER FOR TENNESSEE!!

  “A shockwave was felt across the country Wednesday night as promising senatorial candidate Coy Goddard fell into a scandal of his own during his tour of Southern California. Goddard, a Republican from Tennessee, had at the cornerstone of his campaign a message of traditional, Christian family values. This is the second attempt for public office by Goddard, as a prior run for Senate was cut short by his daughter’s announcing she had become pregnant out of wedlock.

  The message for the new campaign celebrated the idea of faith and family. At his side, representing the rest of the Goddard family was Edward Nix, who had recently become engaged to Goddard’s daughter, Shelby. Shelby Goddard, who rose to fame on last season of the runaway hit, ‘Fierce,’ had collapsed in New York City in July. She hasn’t been seen since she returned to a private hospital in Tennessee, but her faithful fiancé had traveled with Goddard throughout much of the country in her stead.

  Both Goddard and Nix had appeared at a rally earlier in the day, to support California legislation that prohibited same-sex marriage. Things got heated for the visiting politician when Mr. Nix physically assaulted a gay couple who had come to protest their rally. Sources say Mr. Nix was intoxicated, but both Goddard and Nix quickly left before authorities were called.